This new writing routine I’m into feels like a solid workout for my brain, and let me tell you-I thought my brain was fit and strong, but NOOOOPE.
I feel like I did the first time I took a kickboxing class, or got onto a piece of pilates equipment. Initially, I was CHARGED. So pumped to be upping my game and flexing my muscles. Then, I felt overwhelmed (WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO). Next, a feeling of sheer terror (WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHERE ARE THE SUPPOSEDLY CLEARLY MARKED EXIT SIGNS?). And, finally, acceptance (I have chosen this workout. I will see it through. I. Can. Do. This).
Anywho, I’m not exactly a secretive person in life, so one might think that the sharing I am undertaking wouldn’t feel like SUCH a giant, daily exercise in managing a vulnerability hangover, but again, nope. I have had a few moments this week when I seriously wanted to pull down my site and throw up a 404 error in its place, because I MUST HAVE MADE A GRAVE MISTAKE.
I have had to sit down and have a few talking-tos with myself, just to make sure that I’m crystal clear on what the hell I am really up to. After all, I am telling you guys the truth, and this is the internet. Is this what I came here to do? Is this joyful? Am I feeling creative? What’s happening here?
I realize I’m 5 days late in doing this, but I think today is a good day to go ahead and get us all clear about exactly what IS happening here in my daily present. For you, for me and for the 3 other people actually reading this blog (I mean, let us just be honest).
What am I doing here, anyway?
I’ll tell ya. I am following a hunch. Period. I don’t know how else to explain this without sounding woo-woo, but a voice inside me straight up told me that I need to write, I need to write every day and I need to share it. I added in the part about the internet (for convenience purposes, obvi). I have also chosen what to talk about. But, otherwise, I’m just doing what the damn voice told me to do. If I had to say it another way, I AM DOING THIS BECAUSE IT IS EXACTLY THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Maybe there’s more to unpack there, but we’ll have to save that for later.
Is writing every day, in this format, for these 4-5 people total all that joyful?
Yes, in fact, it is. It’s also somewhat terrifying. Because I am a recovering perfectionist, and I don’t have time to sit and agonize over every detail and edit, edit, edit the way I would like. Because I am a confident person, but putting myself out there for you 4-5 people to see takes courage. On good days, bad days and just super sleepy days. It’s also a lot of work. I have to really make time and take time and do something with the damn time after I’ve made it and taken it. Just organizing my day to do this feels like a good 5 mile run around town, and that’s before I’ve even put a damn word on a page.
What’s joyful about it? So far?
For starters, this project is ALL MINE. Do you know what is not all mine? EVERYTHING ELSE. People, I cannot even sit down to eat an apple without a child grabbing at it and demanding a bite or a slice of their own. I love these children I am raising with a fierce and intense something or other, but they have overtaken all the things in my life, and I NEEDED A LITTLE SOMETHING SOMETHING. Also, it feels so liberating to stick a tap into the keg that is my brain and let the brew OUT. I needed a creative outlet, and I needed to take a personal risk and I needed to get all of these ideas out of my head because they were getting pent up and seriously bothered.
Do I have big plans here?
Negatory, friends. I’m keeping my expectations LOW (or, nonexistent, actually) and my standards high. That’ll do for now.
Just to stay with this as long as it is joyful and fulfilling. Also, I’d like to grow my writing skills. I know that writing every day will help me to be a better writer.
What about values? A mission statement? Promises to make to your readers/yourself?
Just thinking out loud here, but sure! Here is my promise to you:
I promise to maintain the utmost integrity in writing this site. I also promise you humor, honesty and fun. I promise to be courageous, and you can count on me to be myself. I will likely use bad language from time to time, and there’s a strong probability that I will get political at some point.
Any requests for those generous 5 readers?
Yes, but just one thing and one thing only. Please behave on this site with the same integrity I have promised to you (read: kindness). I have zero tolerance for internet trolls, and while I certainly can’t prevent them, I can tell you that if you came here to be nasty, BUH-BYE. Remember when I told you that this site is ALL MINE? That means I get to be the boss! I love your constructive feedback, thoughts and insight. In fact, I VALUE those things from you. But, I won’t tolerate bad behavior and unkind language. Thanks in advance for that. Smiles, smooches, etc.!
Finally, anything else?
For a while, I’ve felt like I couldn’t dive into this sort of project because I don’t have time, and my brain is foggy from sleeplessness and too many goldfish crackers. I thought that I can’t keep up with it, or what’s the point, if I can’t do it perfectly and only sound sage and interesting, at all times. I waited way too long, because I was afraid. Afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to make mistakes, afraid to be messy, afraid to fail, afraid of myself. I had to really put the brakes on that storyline and choose to do this for the simple act of doing it.
I HIGHLY recommend doing something for yourself with absolutely NO agenda. It feels quite literally like the most liberating thing I have ever done, EVER.
Remember, as I remind myself, that life is NOT about doing things and looking good about it. No matter how you exercise your inner sweet spot, I encourage you to do it with gusto and without limitation. Sloppy, half-assed and mediocre are wonderful ways to go about doing things you love, and I for one am so tired of being reminded of how perfectly coiffed success and fulfillment are “supposed” to be. Wash the makeup off the face of your life, and please do consider going for it (whatever “it” is) with just your game face and your fierce conviction. It’s enough! I’m telling you!
I know, because I’m haphazardly writing an almost entirely unedited blog on the internet for the world (or, just the 3 of you) to see and I feel GREAT about it. Good days. Bad days. Sleepy days.
Let’s do this.