I’m going to try to be brief today (WHO AM I KIDDING), because this day is chasing me down like a something or other. Here’s what I need you to know:
I had a capital bad news bears day. First of all, I was running late to PT, and then my door handle on my car stopped working. Guys, I got stuck inside my car in broad daylight. With the damn crutch. I’m losing my mind trying to figure out how to get out, before giving up and crawling (more like scrambling) over to the passenger seat (with the crutch, I mean-JESUS) and getting out the passenger side. I was verklempt, but I was getting over it.
Then, bad news about medical insurance. I’m going to leave out details here, but let’s just assume that whenever the healthcare industry is involved, excessive inefficiency and SOME CRAZY ASS BULLSHIT is involved. Anyway, so some bad news. I have to make a million phone calls, and spend a lot of time back and forth between providers and insurance and do I have time for this? Does that matter? Did I just escape my car in tears with a crutch out of the side door?
Moving on. I was upset. I had work to do, so I did it. I picked up my kids from preschool and we came home and spent the afternoon avoiding a full out pre-k toddler brawl. No one napped. Everyone was fidgety. We needed something, and we didn’t know what. One child tried to assault the other, and the other, in retaliation, stole the other’s calico critter car and ran away into hiding. It was just ENOUGH.
Anywho, these were not life threatening emergencies going down, but let’s call them stressful situations. And, in the midst of that stress, I started to feel an old, hairy feeling (cue loud booming sounds and high-pitched wailing now, please?):
Do you know desperation? No, problem. I DO! Desperation and I date back to EARLY DAYS IN LIFE, and when desperation comes calling, I know what he wants:
TO STEAL ALL HOPE AND COURAGE AND SANITY.
He’s kind of a dick (there, I said it). Anywho, Desperation set in, and I began to FORGET all of the things that I have worked very hard to know and trust and rely on. I began to REMEMBER what I do with Desperation, and I began to behave in an old-fashioned, desperate sort of way. I got scared. I thought the worst. I reached out in wrong directions.
Fortunately, life is a spiral (we’ll unpack this another day), and I get to keep facing the same things on repeat (great), so I was familiar with the WRONG things. I was well-acquainted with Desperation’s cronies. I got halfway to the dark side before I REMEMBERED:
Not you, sister. This is not your cross to carry, anymore.
So, guys. EXHALE, okay. Because I put my hands around Desperation, and I held him close and I told him that I appreciate him for showing up and not leaving me here all by myself, but no thank you. Also, LEAVE, BITCH.
And, it took a minute, but I figured out that:
I just really do need the help of all kinds of different people in my life, right now. I kind of rely on that help. This is a vulnerable and scary place to be. I NEED people, and when that need feels threatened, old man Desperation comes a calling. He means well, but I need something else.
I need to take a deep breath. Pull back. Sit up straight. Ask for help.
So, in my case, that asking for helping part is going to be more complicated and inconvenient. It means that I have to make a million phone calls, and talk to all the people and complete paperwork, take my car to the shop, etcetera, etcetera. It’s not ideal, but it’s the way to help, so I will not complain. After all, these are irritating things to deal with, but they are NOT the end.
And, that reminds me: Desperation shows up because, for a very long time, I thought that when things got hard, IT WAS THE END. Something scared and small and primal and dependent in me shot up like a firecracker and exploded into survival tactics and complete and utter chaos. Something broken and fragile and not enough and unable in me rolled out and spread out into whimpering and worrying and wondering.
What I needed then, is what I need now: Help. Plain. Simple. Period.
What I couldn’t always get my hands on then, is what is readily accessible to me now: Help. Plain. Simple. Period.
I’m starting over tomorrow. All the phone calls. All of the focus. All of the things. I am a grown ass woman, after all, and I can DEAL with inconvenient, difficult times. Yes, I can!
Also, I am going to ask YOU for help. Right here, right now, TONIGHT. Because I could use your wishes and faith and belief. I could use your wish for me to feel STRENGTH through this process (would one of you mind sending me that wish?). I could use your wish for me to feel SAFE through this process (somebody else, can you send me that prayer?). I could use your FAITH IN ME, right now (I’m gonna ask 3 of you to send that, because, you know?).
I am NOT DESPERATE, after all. I am just a little bit afraid and a little bit overwhelmed. Nothing new! Been here, done that, have the mug (maybe have two-let’s be real!).