Guys. Today is December 5th. A seemingly random, any old day in December. It’s Monday. Mold pollen is high. Trees are turning bare. Brown is all around. I am in yoga pants. Many things are just entirely ordinary. EXCEPT.
I am embarking on a big, fat, mysterious adventure. It’s day one. I have strapped on my sports bra, pulled my hair up into a ponytail (okay, so yes, things I do every day, but stay with me) and am sitting here on this couch about to put this path into written commitment. It’s a big deal. It’s just a normal day. And, finally, I am ready.
You know what happened a while back? I forgot how to stay very close to things that bring me joy. I had a baby, then another. I had (and have) a marriage, a mortgage and a whole new life, and that life got big and busy and demanding, and in response, I got small, and tired and overwhelmed. I tried to keep up by giving everything away. It sounds so cliche, and if it wasn’t the honest to God truth, I’d tell myself to pick another plot line, but no. It’s just that simple, and just that complicated. Because what I learned then, is what I know now: You can NEVER ever sell out what feeds you to please/satisfy/make space/give room to what needs you. You NEED what feeds you.
Now, I have to go out into the world and ask JOY back into my life. With flowers, love notes, chocolate, jewels, the whole nine. This is courtship 911, and I am running the show which means we can all expect a lot of enthusiasm and a hefty dose of brutal honesty. I have no idea what the hell I am getting myself into, but I KNOW IT IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED. I am going out to get her (JOY, yes, she’s a SHE), and I am bringing her back HOME. To myself. I’m not coming home without her, so do not try to deter me. This is my vision quest, my expedition and my very own, personal J.R.R. Tolkien novel (okay, so that last one was a stretch, but think of me like Frodo!). PLEASE DO NOT PLAY.
I’m taking a daily route, which means I’m carving out time every day to call out to her. One day at a time, I am on my way. Every. Single. Day.
I know what you’re thinking. That sounds a little vague, sister! How do you plan to find joy? Do you have a map? Is there a plan? Does joy keep an address? What’s happening, here? I’ll tell you.
I’m going to write every. single. day.
I don’t really know much else about what this will look like, except for practical details, like how much I am going to have to wake up early and stay up late and do WHAT I MUST in order to keep this very deep and entirely sacred promise TO MYSELF. I know that I haven’t kept many promises to myself in a very long time, and that has felt so hard and harsh-both on the inside and on the outside. I have promised myself, from a place so far down inside of myself that I will GIVE myself this gift, this DAILY PRESENT, because GOD, IT FEEDS ME. It brings me joy.
Do you need to care or be interested or invest in this journey? Goodness, no! You can come along, or not. You can be with me, or be without me, and we are so good. I will tell you, that I WILL BE WITH ME in this, and I will be with you, should you decide to come along. I’m not sure that I’m up to anything all that important in any greater context, so please join me in keeping low expectations in the results department. This is just me and my words and a promise I made and intend to keep. Kinda straightforward/Kinda not so much (typical).
I’m not promising you miracles. I’m not promising myself an easy road laced with only perfect sentences. I am promising myself a trek across the space of myself. I am promising to embark on a luminous journey of 100% soul nourishment. I promise to show up. I promise NOT to give up. Not on me. NOT on joy. Otherwise? All else is up for grabs!
I’m so excited/scared shitless/alarmed/shaky/itchy/warm/cold/certain about this journey, and that’s how I know it’s precisely right.