Oh, friends. I started to write you yesterday and today about the stress and the pace of the holidays. The way the spending always gives me the heebee jeebies. How tired I am. How so very overwhelmed this time of year can often feel for me.
But, as I wrote and I kvetched and complained, something else showed up for me. And, it was this:
I am just really struggling, right now.
I really want to walk. I want my feet and my legs to work right. I want to get up and go. I want to stand up and move. The demands of the holidays are one big, fat reminder of how limited I am. Of how crippled I feel. I am myself, but I don’t move like me. I know something bigger is at play here, but I tell you what: I can’t see it right now.
I can’t see it at all, today.
What I can see is everything that I really want to create in my life. I can see it CRYSTAL CLEAR. And, being benched and riding the sidelines with that vision just dangling in front of me, HURTS. I keep telling myself to be patient. I keep willing myself to have faith. I keep touching the wounded place with my gentlest touch. But, today, I can also see that I have a long way to go.
Somehow, I really need to bridge that gap. Today. Because, I have searched myself, and I have determined that there are a variety of ways to deal with my current emotional and physical state, and none of them feel as right as this:
I need to give myself the gift of knowing what I know. Right now, that means knowing my goals. Even if I don’t know how the hell I am going to get there. Somehow, if this vision is what I can see through the clouds, then THIS is what I will focus on right now. Even if it hurts and feels like a promise I don’t know how to keep.
Either way, I have learned that there are days when I can only do the next right thing, and today is that day. Telling you what I want to create for my life, what I see for myself, is the only right thing:
I want to walk in the sand beside the ocean.
I want to swim in the ocean.
I want to play with my kids in a green field.
I want to walk for 30 minutes without stopping.
I want to write about what I want to write about.
I want to volunteer for the Up Center and Planned Parenthood.
I want to pick up my daughter.
I want to run with my son.
I want to ride bikes with my children.
I want to pay off my hospital bill.
I want to get rid of my couch (okay, maybe burn it, but that seems dramatic, so I will stay medium on that).
I want to wear sandals.
I want strong legs.
I want comfortable feet.
I want more than all of the baby steps that I have been living on. You know I have supreme gratitude for my health and the health of my children and our family. I know I am LUCKY. I also know that I see more. Reconciling those two feelings can feel like an awkward battle between two well-meaning friends that really just want some kind of goddamn harmony. So, I say, maybe harmony tomorrow. For today, a struggle.
I gave a dear friend advice the other night, and it seems relevant for me, today:
“You don’t have to feel better, right now. You just have to keep moving.”
Thanks for moving with me, gang. Needed that.